Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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