I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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