Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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