i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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