you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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