Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
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My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
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Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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