On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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