Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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