Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
