If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I love you. Go after that dick
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
