3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
