Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
