the condom got lost in my hair
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The uberlube is also flammable
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
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