I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
