sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
