Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
