lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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