I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
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i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
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That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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