So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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