He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
