how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
