I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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