Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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