i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
