I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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