wakey wakey hands off snakey
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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