I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.