OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
