I will die if light touches me.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer