plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
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woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
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He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.