I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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