im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
