Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i think im in europe. pls send help
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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