she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
bring money and cleavage
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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