I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
