Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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