fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
