i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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