if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
ok first of all what the fuck
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
