There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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