I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
