i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
