I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
