They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
