i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
