i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
