dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
