I accidentally burped into my bong.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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