I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
