Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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