Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
