4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
