i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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