Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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