My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
