so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
