Taylor Swift is so right about you.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
