While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
