I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
