we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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