apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
