I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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