Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
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